There is so much content to be found about why it's hard for us to listen to each other. I mean, truly listen to understand what the other person is saying, instead of just waiting for them to finish their thoughts, so you can speak. I'm ashamed to say that personally, the closer I am to someone, the harder it is for me to listen. It's much better now, but in the past, the more I knew the person, the more I was inclined to interrupt them mid-sentence trying to bring their message home. Or if I didn't interrupt them, chances were I hadn't really heard what they were trying to say. The reason I tend to do this is positive though. I truly want to help out. Help out fast. But of course, by behaving this way I achieve exactly the opposite of that.
I found out that this is a relatively common phenomenon, and referred to as the closeness-communication bias. Or at least, it's been proposed that "closeness can lead people to overestimate how well they communicate". Knowing that it's not just me, did help me put things into perspective and start improving. I've addressed these challenges with some great tips found in several articles. One that stands out is from HBR about what great listeners actually do. And of course, Kate Murphy's book, You're not listening, is a treasure trove of information that helped me become a better listener.
Am I now the best listener I can be? No, of course not. That's not how humans work. Having a conversation requires active interpretation. It requires a lot of energy. And there are times when my energy's low that I might fall back in old patterns. But just knowing that it's an active process, really triggers me to listen and behave accordingly.
And I notice the sheer amount of unnecessary miscommunication around me due to a lack of active listening. Whether it's in my personal or professional life. To me it's mind blowing how important the role of a facilitator has become. By that I mean, of all the things a great facilitator can bring to a project, I never expected "active listening" to have the highest added value. Nor did I expect The Sailboat Exercise (image 1) to be so popular, but that's a whole other story.
Curiosity killed the cat...
It is argued that some of the very best listeners are the most naturally curious people. Francesca Gino's business case for curiosity proposes even more benefits of curiosity as a competency booster. For designers specifically, I believe that curiosity is our superpower. And what about empathy, you might ask?
Well, at the start of the pandemic, Peter Bregman's honest account of his experiences gives us a great notion of the relationship between curiosity and empathy. He states: "...before demonstrating my understanding, I have to develop it. I need to ask questions and be open and listen and learn." And this is why I, just like Peter, believe that empathy starts with curiosity.
One of the traits of a great listener is not just being silent when the other person is talking. It's also about asking great follow-up questions. This shows that you've not only heard what they've said, but understand it well enough to want more information [1]. Being curious will of course help you listen more actively and ask questions. Without a fair share of curiosity, asking questions will feel like a "drunk person searching for his keys under a lamppost because that’s the only part of the sidewalk they can see." [2]
But of course, this brings us to the next dilemma: Asking questions. After devouring Simon Sinek's wonderful podcast, A bit of optimism, during the pandemic, I now know that Simon loves to ask a lot of questions. Specifically, questions that no one dares to ask. But of course, he's Simon Sinek, he can get away with it. People actually expect him to do so. But for the rest of us, asking questions is hard. There is the fear of seeming incompetent [3] and of course it takes humility as well [4]. The average person doesn't feel very comfortable around those types of emotions. Sometimes it can even feel that you're questioning the status quo. And it doesn't help either that most leaders often associate curiosity with increased risk and inefficiency [3]. And let's not forget about the curse of knowledge. The more experienced people get, the less they believe they need to learn, and therefore ask less questions [3].
With all these challenges limiting effective communication and our understanding of each other, it's a wonder we get any work done. I always keep reminding myself about the importance of listening. I've worked hard on showing others what that looks like. What it feels like to be heard. And I've made countless mistakes along the way. But in all that time, there is only one thing that has consistently worked for me. And unfortunately, it is a shortcut.
Objectivity as a shortcut
I believe, with all my heart, and based on past experiences that the most underrated capability in organisations is "objectivity". Hell, it's not even a capability, but I couldn't come up with a better word for it. Let me elaborate.
It is a pipe dream to think that everyone within your organisation, or even your team is just the right amount of curious and courageous, to be a good listener. And that's why I love to bring in an objective set of eyes at certain milestones. And the objectivity i'm looking for goes beyond my own discipline, my team, and more often than not, even beyond the industry i'm working in. Because I believe that subject matter experts are both a blessing and a curse. The curse of knowledge is something that I myself struggle with every now and again. In those moments, I need a non-designer, non-team member to give me 15 minutes of their time to get their objective input.
Imagine a design critique session with a data analist instead of a designer. Imagine a usability test with someone outside of your target audience. Imagine a design sprint of project A being done with designers from project B. Or imagine an impromptu "Red Team" for high risk projects. Oh, what dreams may come?
HBO's Newsroom - The Red Team poking holes in the Blue Team's investigation
Objectivity kickstarts curiosity and due to a lack of expectations, it is a natural safe haven for "ignorant" questions. But you do need to let go of your ego. Or as Francesca Gino puts it: "When we accept that our own knowledge is finite, we are more apt to see that the world is always changing and that the future will diverge from the present. By embracing this insight, leaders and employees can begin to recognise the power of exploration." [3]
[1] What Great Listeners Actually Do - Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman - Harvard Business Review 2016
[2] I took this metaphor from Matthew Salganik. He was referring to only using quantitative research. But in my opinion it also fits very well here.
[3] The Business Case for Curiosity - Francesca Gino - Harvard Business Review 2018
[4] Empathy Starts With Curiosity - Peter Bregman - Harvard Business Review 2020
